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Here is a collection of funny jokes for you !

Drunk to pedestrian:
Hic, wh-which is the other side of the street?
Drunk: Very strange .
When I was that side , a chap told me it was this side.


The night watchman found the drunk unsuccessfully
trying to open the door to his house, and offered to help.
"Give me the key, sahib. I'll do it."
"No, no, I can hold the key. You just try to hold the house."


A car driver was arrested by a cop for knocking
down a lady who was trying to cross the street
"but I didn't hit her"
"The how did she fall down?"
"As she walked on to the road, I stopped. And she fainted."


Man boasts to friend : "Yesterday my wife came crawling to me."
Friend is doubtful : " Asha came crawling to you? how come ?"
Man :"Well we'd had a fight and I was ... er... well hiding under
the bed and she came crawling
to me and said: 'you come out from under that bed this minute"


A polish refugee couple landed in USA and
worked hard to build up a small home and business.
Over the years they studied and struggled to get American citizenship.
One fine day after 15 years, the husband rushed home happily
"Maria ve haf made it. Ve har Hamerican."
"very goot," said Maria, giving him her apron.
"From today you will vash the dishes."


Husband to wife :" My dear. I have got myself insured for two lakh rupees.
Now you will be provided for, if something were to happen to me"
Wife to Husband :"Very wise of you darling now you
need not call the doctor when you fall sick."


Why was the woman singing to herself as she stopped in the boutique?
Because she had a beautiful home, three darling kids,
A fat bank balance, a husband insured for a million dollars,
and .... his health is in a very bad shape!


Angrej Singh was in good spirits when he reached the taxi stand
Outside Secunderabad station.
Angrej Singh: "Station se Golconda Fort Kitna door ,ji."
Taxi Driver: "Saab, chalis miles ko hotha, ji."
Angrej Singh: "Aur Golconda fort se station kitna door Hai ? "
Taxi Driver: "Utna - ich hotha ji. Aapku bola na - chalis miles."
Angrej Singh : "Zarori nahin hai. Dusshera se Diwali
aur Diwali se Dusshera mein bada pharak hai"


Angrej Singh was in good spirits when he reached the taxi stand
Outside Secunderabad station.
Angrej Singh: "Station se Golconda Fort Kitna door ,ji."
Taxi Driver: "Saab, chalis miles ko hotha, ji."
Angrej Singh: "Aur Golconda fort se station kitna door Hai ? "
Taxi Driver: "Utna - ich hotha ji. Aapku bola na - chalis miles."
Angrej Singh : "Zarori nahin hai. Dusshera se Diwali
aur Diwali se Dusshera mein bada pharak hai"


An artist famed for his realism was said to have painted a cobweb
which looked so real that the maid spent ten minutes trying to clean it up
"I don't believe it " said a lady who heard the story.
"Why ?" asked a Friend.
"Maid-servants never do such things."


An Editor once wrote : "Don't be surprised if you find mistakes in this
editorial newsletter. We print something for everyone.
And some people are always looking for mistakes."


A disciple went to his Guru asking for tips to enlightenment.
The Guru advised "Take a mala (rosary) and go up into the Himalayas and meditate."
The disciple went away. Several months later,
the Guru paid him a visit and asked ,"How do you like up here in the snows ? "
"just fine" replied the disciple.
And what about the weather? Don't you freeze?
"As long as I have my mala and a chillum, I don't care how cold it is."
"I am glad to hear it can I also have a chillum for myself write now.
"asked the Guru shivering with cold.
Why not! said the disciple. " Mala ! Would you bring us to Chillums?"


Ujagggar's eldest daughter had been taken to the delivery room in a hospital
and when he was anxiously waiting outside, when he heard the crying of a newborn baby.
A few minutes later a nurse came out of the delivery room.
Ujaagar rushed up to her and enquired, " Sister am I a grandfather or a grandmother?"


Three engineers were traveling by a car, an electrical engineer,
a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft Engineer.
Suddenly the car stopped forcing them to pull off to the side of the road.
They wondered what had gone wrong with the car engine
The Electrical engineer suggested stripping the electronics of the car to try
and trace where the fault might have occurred.
The Chemical Engineer not knowing much about anything,
suggested that perhaps that perhaps the fuel had emulsified
and was getting blocked somewhere.
The Microsoft Engineer, not knowing much about
anything came with a suggestion,
"Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in
and open all the windows, and see if it works?"


A soldier who was on sentry duty was taken to the
military hospital because he was suffering from chronic constipation.
When a visitor knocked on the door of his ward,
he shouted : "Who goes there? Friend or Enema?"


A couple were on there way back home after their honeymoon.
The train they were traveling in passed through a long,
dark tunnel. After the train had crossed the tunnel,
the Husband turned to his wife and whispered,
"The tunnel was so long I could have Kissed you in the dark"
The wife screamed aloud, " What wasn't that you?"


A beggar knocked at Banta's door and said, " Please give me some money"
Banta: "I have no money."
Beggar: "You can give me some atta (flour)"
Banta: "there is no atta left"
Beggar: "then give me an old shirt or pyjama - old or new."
Banta: "I have no shirt or pyjama - old or new"
"In that case "replied the beggar, "You come with me and we can go begging together"


Ravinder Singh's mother was traveling a DTC bus
from Alaknanda to Connought place for the first time.
She said to the driver, " Beta tell me when we pass All India Medical Institute."
Every five minutes she would repeat the request till the driver got fed up of her.
He was so tense that as the reached there he
maneuvered the bus at the red light and turned back to reach the Institutes bus stop in spite of the protests of the passengers. "Well Mataji"
he said. "Here's the institute Mataji now you can get down without having to cross the road."
"who wants to get down puttar?" asked the lady unfazed.
"You wanted to" "no my son told me to have medicines when we passed the institute"


Joginder Singh is planning to be one up in the fast-food business.
In his poultry farm chickens will swim in hot water, so they lay boiled eggs.


Mohan : "Why do women hate alcohol so much?"
Mohini : "Because after drinking it, their mouse like husbands become lions"


An Engineer, a Mathematician and a Physicist were
standing around the flagpole when an English professor happened to pass by.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"We need to know the height of the flagpole," explained the Engineer,
and we're discussing the various formulas we might use to calculate it."
Stunned the professor proceeded to pull the pole from the fitting,
led down on the ground, borrowed the tape measure and announced,
"Twenty Four feet exactly."
He put the pole back where it had been and walked away.
"English professors" sneered the Mathematician
"we ask them for height and gives us the length."


On their visit to Europe, Banta and his wife came upon a wishing well.
Banta leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny .
Banta's wife decided to make a wish too.
But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned
Banta was stunned for a while, but then smiled and said "It really works!"


My wife looks much younger than her years.
I have all along been attributing her youthful appearance to her genealogy and my loving care.
But recently, Air Marshal Trevor Osman F,
a former Vice-Chief of the Air staff informed me
that I am in a good company.
He made his profound observation:
"The Generals' private cars and wives have two things in common,
They are both well-maintained and sparingly used!"


Banta with two red ears went to his Doctor.
The Doctor asked him what happened to his ears and he answered,
"I was Ironing the clothes and the phone rang,
but instead of picking up the phone
I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to the ear"
"Oh dear! the doctor examined in disbelief.
But what happened to the other ear? "
"The Scoundrel called back."


When he came across a long procession of people
led by a man with a dog, Santa asked the man,
"who died ?"
"My mother-in-law"
"How ?"
"The dog bit her"
"May I borrow the dog ?"
"Get in line"


An absent minded Sardarji drove up to the door of his garage
looked inside, blinked, turned around and drove at full speed
to the police station.
"Inspector," He gasped, "my car's been stolen"


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